Calmness

When the world gets too crazy or my mind is doing too much, I turn to my hobbies.

I hike.

I walk my neighborhood with my camera.

I climb.

Previously, my hobbies were a way of escaping. A way to move further away from my emotions, to keep myself busy so that I didn’t have time to think about things. Now, my hobbies now allow me to look inward, to be introspective. Photography and creating here on substack is inherently vulnerable. I reflect back on the images I capture, my mental state and mood before, during, and after a photo outing.

My hobbies allow me to tap into my emotions. To feel joy, happiness, relief, curiousity, confidence, inspired, hopeful. To also feel anxious, frustrated, disappointed, judgmental, isolated, inferior. And none of these are bad, because emotions aren’t positive or negative, and that’s something I’ve had to unlearn. Allowing myself to recognize these emotions has unlocked new levels to myself. I feel I am no longer running from things but generally looking at things and responding in thoughtful ways.

Creating is inherently vulnerable. Putting my images out there for the world to see and potentially critique isn’t always easy. Writing here on Substack and putting more into it and putting myself out there isn’t easy. But it makes me reflect on my experiences and think about how I felt during that time.

When I climb I notice things about myself. When I’m anxious about other things, whether it’s things in my life or in the world, and I attempt a climb I find myself getting nervous about the top out. Things seem scarier when I have a higher base level of anxiety. I have to work through what I’m feeling to find that mental calm that I need to really focus and make the most of my attempts.

This is a lot of words to say that I’ve finally find hobbies that help me reflect on myself and be more in tune with myself, rather than running away. And it’s funny that I’m writing this after spending most of this week attempting to disassociate because of everything going on in the world. But it didn’t make me feel less anxious or less overwhelmed. Writing this did. Funny isn’t it.

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The images in this post were shot on Flic Film XX in my Voigtlander Bessa L on a solo day climbing at Elephant Rocks State Park

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